Monday, April 25, 2016

[Masalah hati]


Bila bercakap pasal hati, peanut adalah manusia yang memang tak reti nak bagi nasihat pasal hati. But, sometime my friends will ask me for my advice when they get heartbroken. Secara jujurnya, peanut akan cakap, peanut failed bab heartbroken and normally tak pernah follow my own advise pun. Diorang tetap akan mintak advise yang peanut sendiri tak follow tu pun.

Its funny how we can advise others when it comes to heart or love problems. But, when it happened to us, we couldnt even apply that. But i feel good since eventhough my my problem did not solve, but at least i help others to solve theirs.

Bila dah berusia ni. Well i like to call my age as 'matang' dari 'berusia', peanut lebih berhati- hati untuk jatuh hati. Untuk sayang orang. Believe me or not, i had been single since 2012. Bila seusia peanut ni, peanut dah 26, yes i know im old. Im not looking for childish love, im looking for mature relationship.

Peanut kenal cinta since peanut form 5. Well, it was the age when all your have boyfriends, and you just need one. Cinta monyet. A boy yang falled in love with me when he saw me sleep dalam bas during our school trip. And i like him too. So on jerlah. Hanya bertahan like less than a year. Since it was my first puppy love, kecewa tu kalah mati laki. I was at Matric Perak at that time. Nangis dalam selimut . and suddenly i woke up and studied in library because the room just too  filled. much of his memories. Yelah. Dok gayut. Dok mesej. Dok bercerita. Ended up, that semester i got four flat. Thanks to the heartbroken.

Then, adelah kenal dengan dua tiga lelaki lain lepas tu. But, since i was heartbroken before, i was not serious into any of relationship. To be honest, i just want someone to accompany my bore time. This continued until i studied in universiti.

Then i met this guy, my former batchmate kt matric. So dengan yang ni cm serious sikit. But still i was inmature. I was easily jealous because of the long distant relationship. And because he was good looking. I felt insecure. After up and down,  i found out that he cheated on me when i was interned. Time tu peanut interned kat Damansara and he was at Shah Alam. How come he cheated on me when we met regularly.

I could not remember how i found out, but it might be the girl texted asking my relationship with him. I confronted him but ofcourse he wont admit. At last he admit, so i was so hearbroken. Tipulah kalau tak nanges. Dia cam okay i cheated on you and i wanted that girl. I cam okay eventho i really pissed. Then, peanut suruh dia datang ambil semua barang yang pernah bagi even i love the huggable domokun tp still i need to get rid of it. Dia cm xnak but i said i dont care. I will throw it in the dumpster. He seem not even heartbroken and it really make me more heartbroken.

But the miracle happened. Esoknya tu dia called, texted, whatsapped, bbmed, tried contacting me in every media sosial i had. I didnt know what make him to want me because last night he was like over me. Not even loved me. Tetiba jer, "i cant live without you". What the fish. I ignored him. He said he couldnt choose he loved me and her both equally. I cam what the heck, and i just said to him if you cant choose, then i choose to leave you. dia cam dah panik.

Then dia ugut nak datang tunggu me at my intern place and nak datang my apartment. I siap balik lambat malam tu and had to ask my friend to fetch me. Peanut siap keluar g makan dulu and then baru text him. Hati perempuan lepas kene pujuk mestilah cair, we back together not because i love him. I was done with him. I just didnt wanna him to disturb me during works. So our relationship went as usual but this time i make a limitation to my self, not to love him to much and not to trust him 100%. And my instint were corect, he cheated on me second time with the same girl. So, lepas peanut bagi sedas dua, he gone from my life for good.

So after the last relationship, peanut tak pernah couple dengan sesiapa since then. Tipulah cakap tak de siapa nak. Tipulah kalau cakap tak de rasa nk in relationship. Ofourse i wanted to but i havent found anyone yet. Setakat suka suka biasa adelah. Just suka. And to be honest, ramai laki orang nk try me. Laki orang biasalah came with their problems and ofcourse, it was their wife 's fault no matter what. Am i "someone else husband"' magnet's? Kalau tak kuat, serius memang terpikat. But i had one rule that i will never take someone's husband.

Bila dah clash pada usia 22 tahun and time tu peanut kerja as auditor, i was super busy nak cari partner. But then, i tetiba reconnect with old friends from school. Niat asal memang kawan, but with him , i felt comfortable. So peanut anggap it was  a crush only. Then , kami kurang rapat because of the distant, tpi still contact but tak regularly macam before. I really didnt like to show i like someone. I try to get rid of it. And distant really a good factor contribute to it.

But then, when i thought i was over crush on him, peanut tetiba had a problem and kena balik stay at hometown which is nearby to him. Mula- mula dia ajak jumpa keluar minum air. Peanut awal awal cam menolak since i had problem. And i need to focus on it first. Lepas tu, kitorng jumpa. When i thouhgt that i get rid of thw feeling, but the suddenly i just awaken that feeling. I still like him the way o like jim before. Sometime berdua, sometime dengan kawan-kawan lain. Sometime g wedding.  As a friend.

But it seriously complicated. I dont know what is our relationship. At this age, im not looking for a love couple things  . im into mature relationship . but he did not say anything. Not even give me hope. But i saw a lot of hints that well i guess we can see when someone have feeling for us. Or i just "syok sendiri".

This is problem now. I dont think its a crush anymore. It is love. But i am too afraid to tell him that i like him and ruined our friendship. But then, its really hurt my heart to keep this a secret. I dont know why i write this entry and what do i plan to accomplished. I maybe just wanna express in writing. And maybe some day, i have courage to tell him my feeling and put our friendship on risk. Because it seem easier to move on that way..

Membaca tanpa mengomen ibarat berak x basuh. eii. yerk!

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